The 7 Hurdles of the Language Barrier

I used to dismiss the Language Barrier. I was sure that with an apologetic smile and a few gestures linking new vocabulary words, the Barrier would vanish. I was in denial.

After a year and half of making mistakes in German, I have pooled my embarrassing diary entries and cataloged the seven obstacles that are always in my way.

1) The plurals is different.
I know that eyeglasses are "die Brille" and that hair is "die Haare." However, in German, glasses are singular and hair is plural. I can sometimes remember to spit the equivalent of "Is that a new glasses?" and "Your hairs look nice," but I can never get my eyes to stop laughing at my words.

2) I avoid certain words because they make me giggle.
Could I ever say, "I feel like swimming?" The answer is no, because it requires me to say, "Ich habe Lust zu schwimmen," which involves me saying "I have Lust" with a capital L, which makes my face turn pink and my pulse quicken confessionally. I also do not like to talk about the "Fahrt" button on the elevator or the Malzbier bottles labeled "Tut gut."

3) Unnaturally comes Old English sentence structure to me.
I can still hear little Lis plaintively sighing, "Mehr hast du nicht!" (More have you not!) Or Sarah, with her charming "Regenbogen finde ich toll" (Rainbows find I cool.) I love them when I hear them, but I need to personally try more of these quaint, flip-flopped sentence structures on for size.

4) "There is an old German saying..."
In stilted German, I once explained to my friend Trixi about how Chris and I like Europe but would like to live close to our families. Trixi started talking about lilies-of-the-valley. What? She took a minute to explain - in English, thankfully - that it was an old adage about how you can't have both lilies-of-the-valley and plaid. Which, upon reflection, I agreed with. (These German sayings can really be very insightful.) I was happy to share the English saying with a similar message: "You can't have your cake and eat it too." This didn't really impress Trixi, since it's hard to understand why someone would want a cake to remain uneaten. If the Germans win this Proverb Competition, it's because they have such a huge pot of proverbs choose from. It seems like every time Chris and I go out in public, we come home with a new wise saying. Someday, maybe we'll be able to sprinkle conversations with them, too.

5) Please, if you can remember, maybe try to be a little less polite.
It is a well-known fact that Americans say thank-you too frequently and say excuse-me when they don't need to. If I just zipped my lips, I could blend right in. But no, I have an overpowering urge to look people in the eye and say a red, white and blue apology when I almost run into them with the buggy, and I draw some attention when the nice bakery ladies give Daisy a cookie and I smile a bit too brightly.


6) "I speak English."
When Kathrin, who speaks very good "school" English, asked if I'd like anything to drink from her kitchen, I said "I'll have a water, thanks!" After she nodded and walked back to the play room to supervise the girls, I realized that she thought I meant, "I have a water, thanks for offering." I should have spoken more clearly for my non-native-English-speaking friend. (Also, referring back to #5 on my list, I should have signaled "please" instead of a preemptive and misleading "thanks.") At doctor's offices and elsewhere, we are learning to support teetering English misunderstandings with emergency German phrases, resulting in awkward, meandering Germish dialogues.

7) I don't speak English.
Germans here have learned Englishy-English. They walk, not on sidewalks, but on pavement. Which has a kerb, by the way. They shall tell you to bring your diary because they fancy scheduling future playdates. They have never heard the word "diaper" and I surprise myself by changing Daisy's nappy. Of course, you all know that Daisy has a buggy and not a stroller. The word "vacation" gets a vacant stare, but saying holiday clears it up. At every parting, I stiffly accept the formal, "Greetings to Chris!" They are trying to speak my language, but it is not mine. It's just another part of the - very real - Language Barrier.